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  • Penny Muller

This is who I am

There is incredible peace in being strong in our own sovereignty.

As I walked out the front gate this morning, I heard a dog barking from two house blocks away. As I rounded the corner, I waved to a new friend, and when she crossed the road, she told me that her dog had insisted on coming to see me. A little later, on my walk, I smiled at a young woman who was out walking with her dog. She called out to me to say that her dog was coming to say hello. Before I knew it, he was off the leash and running up to me; but gently, not jumping on me. She said that as soon as he saw me he wanted to come to me and that I must be a match to something. Then, she thanked me for giving attention to her dog. I felt quite emotional. A few children also stopped what they were doing to talk to me on the way back. The other day, in Cleveland, I saw a baby sitting in a pram with a blank expression. I smiled at him, and his whole face lit up with this huge smile. It was like sun coming out from behind the clouds - so beautiful and moving to me.

That 'match' that was mentioned was my energy - you could call it the frequency that I was vibrating at. The highest frequency is love, and the more we are in-tune with it, the more we will be a magnet for things that are vibrating at that same frequency. Pure and beautiful beings like children and animals will want to connect with us. On the other hand, if we are operating under fear, we will attract more fear, as we will perceive threats and danger lurking around every corner. Even if the threats don't materialise, we will be living with them in our minds, so they will be very real to us. During the last few days, I have had some conversations and situations that have challenged, triggered and tested me, and yet I feel almost euphoric, while also very peaceful and grounded. I'm feeling intense gratitude that things I've struggled with all of my life are falling away one by one. There is no feeling like this feeling of being free - of this sense of clearing and receiving space for what is to come. And, the lack of fear and attachment to outcomes and the trust that everything that is meant to be will fall into place. There is intensive inner work that needs to be done before we can exist in this state for much of the time, though, and it will always be an ongoing process.

Our higher selves expressly desire this growth and freedom, and if we want to experience an exceptional life, it's our responsibility to get on board with this inner work, challenging though it may be. We are absolutely all part of divine source, and we are all equally wonderful and special. It is not required that we think and behave in the same ways or that we have the same experiences. Our souls came here with self-selected purposes for this lifetime, and it's probably healthier to have curiosity rather than judgement about this. We have had many lifetimes and experienced many things multiple times. Some of us are simultaneously experiencing existences in other galaxies and dimensions. As souls, we choose our experiences. And, as humans, we are not required to comply with this matrix reality that we have been living in, where we are expected to tick off a number of boxes to prove to others that we are normal and functional members of a contrived society. We don't have to take on roles that are opposed to our true selves to please others. Although we may be unconscious if it, this need to fit in is due to external programming; this is not sovereignty.

The reason for my high vibrational state is that I am so appreciative of all the times in my life that I stood in my sovereignty and allowed my inner knowing to lead the way. All the spiritual learning I have done over the past few years and the conversations with high-vibrational people that I have had this week, have confirmed this to me again and again. I just wonder - how did that shy, quiet, fearful, compliant child know that certain experiences were not for her? I have been called boring and inhibited (this week even), and probably been judged by others in countless other ways. I always cared what people thought but I still refused to do what they said. I could say that I'm proud of that; but no, I feel that I was protected and guided. It was not just me, as a human, making those choices. And, when I mention my experiences, they are mine only. The experiences that were 'not for me' might be the exact ones that another person chose to call in for themselves, either to accelerate their own soul growth or that of others.

I am sharing some of the 'uniqueness' of me to encourage you to embrace all the aspects of you as you are - as they were divinely meant to be expressed by you in this lifetime. They are not right or wrong, but just as they should be:


I understand, now, that I have spent lifetimes in other dimensions, out of a human body. It's not natural to me to feel very connected to my body and I have put a lot of effort into balancing this over the last year. Also, I was never very comfortable in nature or around animals or other creatures. This is really shifting lately too - also with deliberate intention and focus on it. I've realised lately that my connection to nature was spiritual rather than physical. It was a reverence for beauty that has always been key to who I am. Despite not feeling at home in it, nature would bring me to tears, even as a young child. So many of society's values were confusing to me. I never wanted to live in the world as it was, but to change it. I didn't want to be around dirt or noise or darkness, I just wanted everything to be clean and safe and beautiful. I pretty much felt neither here nor there about many things and places, but when I walked into a theatre I would feel like I was home. Everywhere I've travelled, the highlight for me was the theatre or opera house tour. I felt repelled by ugly things, and even felt physically ill at the thought of wearing ugly shoes to work, or an ugly uniform. I was not comfortable around anything medical, and if I was exposed to representations of violence they would replay in my head for years.

If I was forced into routine or structure, or if I felt disempowered, I would either lose all motivation and tune out or feel trapped and panicky. I needed to have creative control in my work and to be in a position to be able to make decisions that were aligned with my values and standards, otherwise I could not function. I couldn't work as an assistant or a fill-in. My body would shut down and I would barely have the energy to move it around. I was not a team player because I couldn't compromise on my values - for anyone. I was also burned out by every job I had, because I was turning myself inside out to fit into systems that didn't fit me, and because I was empathising with every person that came into my orbit. Having a job was something I did so I would appear functional and not burden anyone. Although I had many interests, for work, I wasn't really drawn to anything except singing, which was something I felt I could not physically or emotionally 'not do'. Money was useful to prove to others that I was functional and to ensure my emotional survival by allowing me to pay for soul-saving experiences like education, travel and trips to the theatre. I never attracted a lot of it and I always found a use for it as soon as I had it, which resulted in constant guilt around it. I didn't want to have a lot of materials things, but I liked them to be pretty and perfect and reflect my personality - pink if possible. I didn't feel any pull towards owning a house or a nice car. I didn't feel a strong need to belong anywhere or to be part of a community. I loved change and freshness and was resistant to being trapped in anything mundane or repetitive.

Someone, the other day, mentioned the desire to ''get me drunk''. Good luck with that - people have been saying that to me since I was a teenager, without success. At this point, I'm not going to give any energy to figuring out why 'getting me drunk' would be so fascinating to people. I never felt safe around people who were drinking or who were loud or aggressive, and I avoided environments like clubs or bars that were dark or noisy. I never wanted to reflect anything but my true self and felt incapable of playing roles or taking on other personas (off the stage). I wanted to experience other people's true selves. I feel that I never had a self-destructive bone in my body - or a mean one either. I never purposely intended to hurt anyone. Doing so would hurt me more than it would hurt them. I had a lot of judgement from others about not being in a romantic relationship. I always knew that my soul didn't come here for a mediocre or traumatic experience of love. I also knew I couldn't be with anyone who was limited in his thinking. There were people who liked me because I appeared gentle and pretty and passive, but I instinctively knew that they would not be able to hold space for all that I was. I knew I would feel incredibly unhappy and trapped if I allowed myself to hurt them and myself in an effort to appear functional to the outside world. I am very grateful, but also surprised, as this is probably unusual, but no man with whom I've ever come in contact has treated me with less than complete respect - even if they treated other women differently. I am sure that this was part of my soul's journey in other lifetimes, but in this lifetime, I am done with being treated badly.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to talk about myself too much. None of those things I've mentioned about myself have really changed. We don't change much; but we balance and modify through our life experience. I have lived a very fortunate life so far, and I have been very much loved by my family and friends, but life has had its challenges. I think, if we allow ourselves to be coerced into situations that are not for us, it can be very damaging. It's awful to feel that we have been taken advantage of or that we are powerless. We lose something of ourselves when we don't stand in our own sovereignty. It can cause deep pain and resentment, and destroy relationships. We are biologically wired for survival, which is why we want to be liked and accepted by others, but we have to remember that those who truly love us will accept us as we are. Please don't expect your children to fit in with any aspects of a society that are damaging to their innate selves. Don't expect it of your own inner child. He or she needs healing. Look back with wonderment, as I have, at your life so far. You will see pain and struggle, but you will also see great beauty and innocence and wisdom that you brought with you into this lifetime. I have learned to love the lessons that are continually coming my way, even if I have felt exposed and vulnerable through them. The healing and the clearing is worth everything. And, our fear of the experience is often greater than the experience itself. Often, that space just outside our comfort zone is not as scary as we think it will be. We just have to acknowledge that our souls' true desires are sitting right there in that space of the unknown and that the only way to them is by stepping into that space. If they are 'for us', we should move towards them with trust and peace, knowing we are divinely supported. And, we should never be afraid to say ''No'' and ''This is who I am''.




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